After a coordinated attack on Jefferson County’s communications infrastructure by a groundhog and a squirrel, a rational observer can draw only one of two conclusions: either our nation’s rodents have been converted to a radical ideology and are now taking orders from Iran, or the end of the world is nigh.
Either way, it’s a good time to stock up on rain barrels and canned beans.
For those who have not heard, the entire county was brought to its knees last week when two nefarious rodents simultaneously broke into communications boxes in two separate locations and chewed through fiber optic cables.
Cell phones, internet connections and land lines were brought down. Neither ATMs nor credit card terminals worked, triggering a run on the banks.
If the situation had persisted just a few hours longer, there is little doubt that we would have been dealing with a Road Warrior-type situation.
The most likely explanation for the event is that Iran activated one of its numerous varmint sleeper cells in retaliation for last month’s revelation that the U.S. had helped to design the Stuxnet virus, which led to the destruction of one of their nuclear reactors.
The only obvious alternative is that the descent of fluffy terror is a biblical plague, the first sign that the end of days is at hand.
Our future is bleak. Rabbits will soon begin chewing through brake lines, and their prolific ability to multiply will foil all attempts at eradication. Fort Detrick, which houses the nation’s last stockpiles of biological weapons, is a veritable fortress, protected from all human attacks – but it is absolutely defenseless against an onslaught of mice and ferrets.
From now on squirrels, bunnies and chipmunks are the enemy.
Do not let the cute eyes and fuzzy tails fool you. These are but the deceptive trappings meant to dissemble their venomously cruel intentions.